Happy Birthday Brienna

Our sweet Brienna Marie would be six years old today. Six.

Six feels hard. She would be so much of her own person at six and it makes me sad that I don’t get to watch her grow up. As more time passes, I feel like I know less and less and I hate it.  When kids are young, you can assume certain things, certain likes and probably dislikes too. But a six year old? A six year old is becoming their own person in so many ways … would she be sassy or sweet? Precocious like her little brother, Pete? Or rambunctious like her littlest brother, James?

I found myself walloped with grief this year. It took me by complete surprise (although at this point, I should know never to be surprised) and I was borderline incapacitated with sadness. It is so difficult to put into words the pain that her loss causes. Six years feels like a lifetime, but it’s also passed in the blink of an eye.

Pat and I talk about how sometimes, we feel her loss even more now as our family grows. We watch our friends’ daughters play together and know that Brienna should be there with them. We look at the boys and laugh, thinking about their older sister rolling her eyes at them and their loud, messy ways.

Pete tells me things about Brienna all the time. He talks about her favorite color or how he takes her for rides in his pumper truck. I envy his innocence. And I love to hear about her from his perspective.

Brienna Marie, you are sorely missed. But you are oh so loved. Happy Birthday, sweet girl.