Two years ago today, I was sitting on the couch watching PS I Love You (not the wisest choice, given my emotional state) … the phone rang and it was my OB, telling me that our little Toot did in fact have Trisomy 18. I was alone at the time and started crying. I called Pat for him to come home from work, called my parents and then cried some more. Poor Bailey didn’t know what to do. She brought me all her toys, then eventually climbed on the couch with me and just snuggled. I distinctly remember getting up and starting to clean the house, repeating to myself over and over “falling apart is not an option” … Pat came home, my parents came over to give us a hug and the beginning of my new life started to set in. Denial, disbelief and waves of pure grief washed over me again and again and again. It is hard to believe that that day was two years ago. Looking back, I never imagined that I would survive; let alone come to love being pregnant and that I would fall in love with my baby girl despite a terminal diagnosis. I also never imagined that the grief could get worse. That the thought of losing my daughter was far less traumatic than actually holding her precious little self in my arms and then having to let her go …
As I sit here now, with Brienna’s little brother or sister growing inside me, I am sad, yet hopeful. I miss my daughter so much. I wish she were here to celebrate Christmas, to anticipate being a big sister. I wish with all my heart that she didn’t have to be in Heaven. Yet at the same time, without having lost her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t have learned what I’m made of. I wouldn’t know that Pat and I have a marriage strong enough to handle the toughest of times. I wouldn’t know that the love of your child is one of the most amazing loves in the entire world.
So Brienna, I have to thank you. For giving me the best gift of all time. For helping me realize what’s truly important in life and for shaping me into the person I am today. I wish you were here, more than anything, but I know that you’re with me all the time. That love truly is stronger than death and that someday, we’ll be together again. Merry Christmas, baby girl … I love you and I miss you so much.
Laurie, such a beautiful and moving post…sometimes life breaks your heart, but the love that is always there no matter what, is a gift for all time. Nana and Bumpa love and miss Brienna and think of her always.
Thank you for sharing a poignant and touching reflection…You and Pat are amazing parents to Brienna, Pete and your new little one that we can’t wait to meet.
We love you all so much.
I’m glad you found this and posted it. Thanks for sharing, Laurie. I wish Brienna was here, too. She and Pete would have so much fun together. He’s a lucky boy to have a little sister/brother on the way.
You, Pat, Brienna, Pete, and B are an inspiration.
Laurie,
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Once again you have written so beautifully of Brienna & her gift of love. She truly is love and that is always how I think of her. Although I would never have chosen for her to have Trisomy 18 I am so grateful for her in my life and for all that she taught me about life & love. We are all stronger, better people having known Brienna. I think of her always & will keep her close in my heart forever. I love you.