Happy Birthday Brienna

It’s hard to believe our little girl would be three years old today.  Not a single day goes by that I don’t think about her and wish she was here with us.  Watching Pete grow and learn has brought so much joy to our lives, but also makes me sad for all that we missed with our sweet Brienna.  I fantasize about cuddling with her, giving her hugs and kisses and I long to hold her again.  Even just for one minute.  I miss her so, so much and the weeks leading up to her birthday are especially difficult … I feel the pain of losing her as acutely as if it happened yesterday.

We celebrated Brienna today though.  It’s her special day and as much as June 2 makes me sad, I’m so happy that she has one day that is hers, and hers alone.  We did a family 6.2 mile run this morning in honor of her birthday.  I love running in her memory and it’s my dream someday to organize a 10K and hold it every year on/around her birthday.

So many of our friends and family members thought about Brienna today and sent us messages to let us know; I wish I could express how much that means to me.  I love that her memory lives on and that she made such an impact on the lives of so many people, some who never had the chance to meet her.  She is a special little girl.  When we visited her bench this afternoon, we left three balloons and her dad gave her a single pink rose.  The plants are from her grandparents and I think anyone looking would instantly be able to tell how loved she is.  I can only hope she feels our love too.

“Loved with a love beyond telling,
Missed with a grief beyond all tears.”

 

Brienna’s Bench

We have been waiting a long time for Brienna’s memorial bench to be completed and it’s finally ready.  We struggled with how best to capture Brienna and ultimately decided that simplicity was best.

Brienna's Bench
Brienna’s name is flanked by a Celtic cross and a Celtic heart.  The Celtic heart was designed and drawn by my friend Beth and used throughout our wedding.  It seemed to be a perfect fit for the memorial, like a piece of us is that is always with her.  We love the end result.  And while we’re so happy that she finally has a place to call her own, we’re so incredibly sad that she needed one in the first place.  We miss her and love her more than ever.

Cape Cod Baby

Pete is a lucky little guy and has spent lots of time at the Cape the last two weekends visiting his Nana and Grampa Marr!  We started off his first visit with a trip to Coast Guard beach, one of my (and Bailey’s) favorite places.  We head there at the start of almost every Cape trip because dogs are allowed year-round at all National Seashore beaches.  Which means Bailey gets to run. And run. And run.  The more exhausted she is, the better behaved she is!

B at the beach

It was Pete’s first trip to the beach and we loved it.  Brienna spent many a weekend tucked safely inside me as Pat, Bailey and I played on the beach.  I dreamed of being able to walk with her in a carrier or hold her little hand as our family strolled the beach.  My heart broke a little when we visited with Pete, because I never got to live that dream with Brienna.  I always feel just a little closer to her near the water, so it was emotional to finally live out that dream with Pete … I hope we get to do it many, many more times.

laus and pete beach

Here are some pictures from Pete’s first weekend:

Pete and Auntie Liz
Pete and Auntie Liz
Content in Grampa's arms
Content in Grampa's arms
Sound asleep in Nana's arms
Sound asleep in Nana's arms

Fourth of July weekend was extra special because Nana Quinn was visiting as well.  She and Pete spent lots of time together and Pete told her all his secrets while she listened intently:

Co-Conspirators
Co-Conspirators

Pete had lots of fun hanging outside with his dad:

pat and pete outside

And celebrated the holiday in style:

Happy 4th of July!
Happy 4th of July!

He also watched his first fireworks at Pam and Steve’s house on Hyannis Harbor.  Per usual, he was unaffected by the noise and seemed to watch in fascination as the sky was lit up:

DSC_0438

We capped off the long weekend with Pete’s first daytime trip to the beach. I don’t think he quite knew what to make of the sand, but seemed to love the breeze and the sound of the waves.  Either way, he looked adorable and we can’t wait for many more trips to the beach and the Cape!

DSC_0472

Happy Birthday Brienna

It is hard to believe that our sweet baby girl would be two years old today.  Two years!  If I close my eyes, I find myself transported back to June 2, 2009.  I can still relive that day in almost perfect detail.  I will never forget, yet I fear that I didn’t memorize enough about Brienna to last me a lifetime.  The thing about death that is so hard to come to terms with is it’s finality.  I know that Brienna is in a better place, yet sometimes I still cannot rationalize that I don’t get to see her, hold her or kiss her again; forever is a very long time to be without your daughter …

Brienna is so loved and so missed.  As hard as her birthday is, it’s also a day when we get to celebrate her.  She made such an impact on our lives and I know that I am a better person because of her.  All the calls, texts and emails we received today are so appreciated.  Not because people are thinking about us, but because they are thinking about her.  I have often feared that she would be forgotten.  That she isn’t is such a gift. So as always, thank you.

Brienna Marie,
Happy 2nd Birthday sweet angel!  We wish more than anything that you were here with us to celebrate your special day.  You are in our hearts and on our minds each and every day. It is hard to believe it’s been two years since we said hello and goodbye.  Thank you for changing our lives and helping make us better parents.  We love you and miss you more than you can imagine …
Love,
Mom and Dad

Perfect Angel

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new
I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.
I think of you in silence, I often speak your name.
All I have are memories, and a picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake, with which I’ll never part.
God has you His keeping, I have you in my heart.

Meeting the Munchkin

After a doctor’s appointment on Monday 4/25, it was decided that I’d be induced on Wednesday, when my doctor was on call.  The munchkin had other plans though … I woke up Tuesday morning and just felt different.  I was having lots of contractions, but not at really regular intervals. I had big plans to get a lot of stuff done before we were induced but based on how I felt, I quickly decided that I’d be staying home.  As Pat was leaving for work, he asked if he should pack a bag, just in case.  I said yes.

I called my doctor at about 11:30 just to let them know I was having contractions (about 11 minutes apart) and to ask a few questions.  He said to call when they were 5 minutes apart.  At about 12:30, I decided that nothing was going to happen and I left the house to run a few errands – I was going stir crazy.  I talked to Pat about 2:45 and he said he was going to leave work early.  I told him not to bother because the contractions were only about 8 minutes apart.  At 3:15, I texted him that it was good he was coming home because they were 5 minutes apart.  At 3:30, I called him and said “Come home now.”  I called my doctor and they said head to the hospital!

It was of course rush hour and the hospital is 25 minutes away on a good day, so we didn’t get there until about 5.  By this time, contractions were about 3 minutes apart.  We checked in through the ER and they took one look at me and said, “Oh, you’re in this, huh?”  I said yes and we walked to labor and delivery.  They hooked me up to the monitor and said “Oh, you’re in full blown labor.  That’s nice.  I think we’ll be admitting you!”  So we walked to the room where we’d be delivering the munchkin and waited for things to progress.  At this point, I figured that it would be late Tuesday night or early Wednesday morning before the munchkin arrived, but I was wrong!

My doctor came in about 7 and said things were looking good.  At 8:30 he came back and had me do some “practice pushes”.  At 8:37, he said “Ok, I’m going to get some gloves on, whatever you do, don’t push”.  At 8:38, I gave a final push and the munchkin arrived!  I was shocked and amazed to see a fat baby and Pat said “it’s a boy!”  My doctor then said, “I think I might have underestimated his weight” – he guessed I’d have an 8 pound baby. Everyone in the room was baffled at the size of him, and took guesses as to what he’d weigh.  9 lbs 1 oz was the highest guess.  When they put him on the scale and Pat said he weighed 9 lbs 14 oz, I just started laughing.  I still have no idea how he managed to stay inside that long.  There could not have been much room for him!

While the nurses were getting Pete all cleaned up, the doctor told me that the little guy didn’t make things easy on himself.  He had what is technically known as a cord accident.  There was a true knot in his umbilical cord, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he was also clenching the cord with his right hand.  Those situations, never mind all three combined, don’t usually end well.  But Pete had a guardian angel looking out for him and I’m quite sure that Brienna helped her little brother make a safe entrance.  We miss Brienna so much it hurts, but I felt her with us the entire day, and I like to think that she is as happy as we are that her little brother is finally here!

Here is the munchkin’s first picture:

Meeting the Munchkin!

We were so happy to finally meet the little man and are totally enamored with him!

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Two years ago today, I was sitting on the couch watching PS I Love You (not the wisest choice, given my emotional state) … the phone rang and it was my OB, telling me that our little Toot did in fact have Trisomy 18.  I was alone at the time and started crying.  I called Pat for him to come home from work, called my parents and then cried some more.  Poor Bailey didn’t know what to do.  She brought me all her toys, then eventually climbed on the couch with me and just snuggled.  I distinctly remember getting up and starting to clean the house, repeating to myself over and over “falling apart is not an option” … Pat came home, my parents came over to give us a hug and the beginning of my new life started to set in.  Denial, disbelief and waves of pure grief washed over me again and again and again.  It is hard to believe that that day was two years ago.  Looking back, I never imagined that I would survive; let alone come to love being pregnant and that I would fall in love with my baby girl despite a terminal diagnosis.  I also never imagined that the grief could get worse.  That the thought of losing my daughter was far less traumatic than actually holding her precious little self in my arms and then having to let her go …

As I sit here now, with Brienna’s little brother or sister growing inside me, I am sad, yet hopeful.  I miss my daughter so much.  I wish she were here to celebrate Christmas, to anticipate being a big sister.  I wish with all my heart that she didn’t have to be in Heaven.  Yet at the same time, without having lost her, I wouldn’t be who I am today.  I wouldn’t have learned what I’m made of.   I wouldn’t know that Pat and I have a marriage strong enough to handle the toughest of times.  I wouldn’t know that the love of your child is one of the most amazing loves in the entire world.

So Brienna, I have to thank you.  For giving me the best gift of all time.  For helping me realize what’s truly important in life and for shaping me into the person I am today.  I wish you were here, more than anything, but I know that you’re with me all the time.  That love truly is stronger than death and that someday, we’ll be together again.  Merry Christmas, baby girl … I love you and I miss you so much.

Trek to the Top

Pat has an annual conference for work that rotates throughout New England.  This year, NH hosted at the Mount Washington Hotel.  We took advantage of the great location and headed up a day early so we could hike Mount Washington.  We hiked the Tuckerman’s Ravine trail and made it to the top in just over three hours.  We lucked out and the weather was perfect: sunny and 65 at the base, sunny and 45 at the summit with almost no wind!  It was truly the perfect day.  The hike was challenging (to say the least) but so worth it.  We were quite proud of ourselves to reach the summit and made sure we had the picture to prove it:

We made it!

The views along the way were literally breathtaking.  It was both serene and beautiful and as usual, I was reminded of Brienna.  I always wonder whether or not she sees beauty like that all the time.  If that is what Heaven is like.  I like to think it is and that we were treated to a little part of her world.  I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she has been gone more than fifteen months.  We miss her so much.  But seeing what she sees comforts me.  Being part of such beauty makes me feel closer to her and I think I’ll always seek out beautiful things for that very reason …

Tuckerman's

Headwall

Happy :)

How very softly you tiptoed into my world,
Almost silently, only for a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.

DJJ

Three years ago today, the world lost one of the good guys.  My cousin Erin’s boyfriend Dan was killed in a tragic car accident.  We had just returned home from one of the best vacations of my life – a family reunion in Ireland – and his death shocked us all to our core.  Dan was more than Erin’s boyfriend.  He fit in our family as if he’d been there all along, and in Ireland, he asked my uncle Kevin for permission to marry Erin, which we were all ecstatic about!   He was just one of those people that lit up a room and I think of him all the time: anytime I drink a Guinness, see an F-150 or a guy wearing a bright orange shirt. I think of him when I see a guy talking excitedly about the Yankees or golf or when I see a big teddy bear of a guy laughing out loud.  Dan was always smiling and always laughing and left such a mark on me that it’s impossible not to think about him.

Ireland July 2007

There are different people in Heaven that I think take care of Brienna in different ways.  When I think of who she runs to if she’s needs a big bear hug, I think of Dan. When I think of who makes her laugh, I know it’s Dan. I know that they are up there together and it comforts me, while making me sad at the same time.  They should be here.

My cousin Erin is a strong lady … she has been such a source of strength and inspiration for me and she continues to amaze me every day.  I remember bewilderedly asking her how she survived every day.  Her grief, pain and suffering were just incomprehensible to me.  She told me that she realized she had to make a choice.  She could choose to live, or she could choose to be miserable.  So she chose to live.  When Brienna died, those words stuck with me, and I think about them every day as I get out of bed. It truly is a choice.  It would be so easy to be bitter and miserable (and there are those days) but the choice to live a life that makes them proud is more alluring.

I miss Dan.  I cry when I think about him not being here.  I cry for Erin, and for his parents, Brian and Kathy and his brother Tim and then I cry for Brienna too.  At some point though, I’m able to smile, because I know he’s keeping Brienna safe and they are watching over all of us; our guardian angels …

Erin and Dan

Miss you, DJJ.

Butterfly

A friend shared this poem with me today and I thought it was so fitting.  Both because of how brief Brienna’s life was, but moreso because her life had such a profound impact on so many people …

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam,
And for a brief moment, its glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies again and though we wish it could have stayed,
We feel lucky to have seen it.

-Unknown

I am beyond lucky to have known Brienna.  I am lucky to have carried her with me for nine months and I am so lucky to be her mother.  It boggles my mind to think she would be 14 months old today.  I wonder what she’d look like, how she’d act.  I wish I could catch a little glimpse of her in Heaven, just so I could know … I miss her so much, but I love her more.  And despite the fact that she can’t be here, noone can take that away from me …